Cyclists are Idiots (and are going to put me in prison)

Well that right off the bat should upset a few people. Maybe I should start by telling you that a cyclist tried to commit suicide by way of my car a few weeks ago. So I'm a little bitter. Up until that point, I've never really had that problem with cyclists. I've always moved over in my car and given them a much wider berth than needed. And not just because vehicular manslaughter is an offence punishable by prison time. Just because I'm a nice person sometimes. I've often applauded cyclists for getting off the couch and being active and unlike me, biking to run the three blocks to pick up milk instead of driving their car there. But that night, everything changed.

I was driving home from work. It was dark, and starting to rain. Then out of nowhere, a cyclist flew out onto the road in front of me from the sidewalk. I slammed on my break and laid on the horn. His response: flip me off. NOT COOL. Was this guy really giving me shit for driving my car, where I belong, and failing to predict that some crazy asshole was going to come flying out of nowhere without any lights or anything to tell me he was there? REALLY?

He's made me rethink my stance on bikers. I can't stop thinking of some stupid saying that mom used to always say about a rotten apple ruining the bunch or something like that. I always thought it was a stupid saying, but now this idiot cyclist has gone and proved it for me. I used to have no real qualms about them sharing the road with me. But now, there's a problem. A big one. I see bikers and I tense up in fear that they too are on a kamikaze mission that will end with them under my car tires and I will go to prison for vehicular manslaughter. And I do not want to go to prison. EVER.

That one cyclist has gotten into my psyche and made me paranoid. And being paranoid isn't fun. Trust me.

I also find myself raging out about cyclists too. When I'm stopped at the light and waiting for what seems like an hour for the stupid light to turn green, the little assholes cyclists get to ride right through and keep going. Sometimes even cutting off motorists who don't have the evil red eye of the traffic signal watching them. So I go off on some rant and ask the nonexistent passengers of my car about how great it is when a cyclist obeys the rules of the road like they are supposed to. And those passengers always agree with me because they exist in my head I am right. This fuels my fire, and I begin imagining opening my door unexpectedly the next time a cyclist goes to pass me while I wait for my turn with a green light. And then I remember that assault can land you in prison too, especially when you do it with a weapon (which I guess you could call a car if you are using it with malicious intent). I'm slowly starting to think that cyclists are going to be the cause of me going to prison.

So wherever that cyclist from the fateful night is, I have something to say. Fuck you. And shame on you for making me think so poorly of the cyclist community as a whole.

And sorry to all of the innocent cyclists who do know how to follow traffic rules and do use lights and don't cut off motorists. I don't mean to stereotype you all. I'm sure you don't want me to go to prison. I think.


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